Wednesday, January 27, 2010

bloodlust (a vent)

"you know there's no way this can end well right?"
"how do you mean?"
"so i'm working myself to the bone, yeah"
"say i do really badly, my ego's gonna be soo beat up, i'll work twice as hard next semester just to make myself feel better-
"and if i do well, then i'm gonna work twice as hard because i won't be able to bear losing it again."

things turned out ok in the end. suddenly... (i'm going to do something slightly atypical and toot-my-own-horn for a minute) suddenly 14 weeks have gone by, and i couldn't tell night from day for most of them and when semester started again i found myself a new... type of student. a geekazoid. one of the certificate-carrying members of the elite law-school nerdosphere. i made Dean's List, topped one of the hardest classes you can take, and am two percent away from having a high-distinction average - meaning i'm two percent away from graduating with first-class honours.

i have no idea how that happened. seriously. none.

it's 2:30am. i can't sleep. when semester started again, i was floating along. wanting to talk to randoms and watch movies and sit around. lazy. i'd lost something of that...

it's unhealthy. i'll admit it: here, watch me say it: it's not 'healthy'. but, there's only one way i've ever discovered to do well at something: ingrain it into the fabric of your being. your personality. your sense of self-worth. your entirety. that way, you're overcome by paranoiac delusions and irrational fears of boundless ruin should you miss your mark.

and tonight, or yesterday, or... somewhere in between, it occurred to me, i have a very real chance of being a 15 minutes-of-once-was. and i'm no smarter than anyone, the only reason things went right last semester was because i worked till i bled from my gums and because god was happy to reward me, just to keep my segregated from the other children so i'd stop persuading people to have pre-marital sex, or at very least, to masturbate more often.

and it's back. bloodlust. skin tingles with it. it's all you see. perfect tunnel-vision. you don't sleep till 3-4 in the morning as it is, and even then you wake up in a sweat two hours later for no reason, reach down and grab the stack of papers and the green pen (btw, thanks babs) and resume reading.

and mostly, all i can think is, of every failure that ever beset me, and hounded me nipping at my ankles till i fell and fell and fell - of every time i got to the end of something, and thought, 'nope', or even worse 'nope, but i'm stuck' or even worse 'nope. but i'm stuck. cause i got no where else to be.' or even worse 'nope. but i'm stuck, cause i got no where else to be, and have no idea which stop to get off at' - i think of each of those times and i think (quite loudly i think this) EFF THAT, i'm not goin back there. i'm not going back to unhappy, apathetic, mediocrity.

and mostly finally, i've already missed most of the graduate recruitment deadlines anyway. which means, all those fears i have of the future (somewhat lessened, somewhat greater) tap like rain on windshields when i try to sleep or stop moving or stop reading. and all i can think to do then, is to take a hatchet to my limbs and organs, and hand them in as assignments, and to use them as decorations on notes and tutorial answers, and to offer the last of it on a plate, cut into fours, on four final exams.

don't know where my head's been for the last 2 weeks,
but it's back now.

and (as usual), it feels inferior and (as usual) has something to prove. and (as usual), i'm the only it's yet to convinse.
____so let's play.

[i will probably regret this post in the morning and delete it. enjoy while it's hot]

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