GF Chronicles

The scratchy record by Casals,
inscribed on bakelite,
is still so far the best of Bach.

Play it late, say 3 a.m.,
and like some wild, forgotten child
you'll run all night the empty stairwells

flowering in the dark.

___from The Cello Sonatas of J.S. Bach, Geoff Page




it's sunny, but not enough to make you crazy. i lift her up, ostensibly to throw her into the water, she yelps and kicks. as i hold her i realise the throw-into-water idea may not be the best i've ever had. i put her down instead and say bye and run off. __not really. __i run 5 paces and then stop and turn around, by which time she's caught up. didn't get far she says and i say just far enough to make a statement. she nods and laughs (because she's thought-up her comeback: what's that?, that you're a fatso? (she continues laughing). ey! respect by authoritaa. [which is a southpark allusion, so, if there're any militant feminists out there reading this, you may save your harangue for another time, Ed]


*___*___*

__- what the eff is wrong with you, why do you keep freaking out?
__- ok, mental note for GF: do not lunge at my crotch, do not make any sudden movements, don't...
__- you_have_got_to_be -
__- ________________- do i look like i'm kidding you're freaking me out!
__- ok. so, what's your problem?
__- my, 'problem', lame-face, is you aren't well-trained.
__- trained? ____________[you can probably commence harangue now]
__- yup. all domesticated GF's know better than to make sudden movements towards a man's 'special' place.
__- firstly freakshow, this is the first i'm ever hearing about 'sudden movements', this isn't 'foreplay with miss daisy' ok? man-up or find the Lord and go team Celibate. secondly: your special place is the reserve section of the law library, or the 4 for $4 donuts counter at the 7/11, your penile-onium is not a special place.
__- i understand. i guess i'm going to have to make this simple for you. i'm issuing an ordinance
__- you can't,
__- ______i can and am
__- no, you can't! all ordinances, essential contractual terms or non-essential stipulations had to be made at time of BF-GF negotiations, for discussion and approval at such time. the time's up. you can't alter the agreement.
__- this is a matter of genital-security. genital security is like the defence budget, it knows no electoral promises. if a band of ruffian terrorist limbs, peripheries or enameled teeth make unprovoked attacks on it, special measures are called for.
__- fine. out of curiosity, i will allow you (and partially because i can't wait to embarrass you in front of your friends with this newest episode of buffoonery) to expound your ordinance.
__- oh. thankyou. so, may i proceed your GF-ness?
__- you may.
__- may it please the GF, i present for second reading and debate, the BILL entitled:

______GUIDE FOR APPROACHING MY CROTCH
________(1) give adequate warning/notice
________(2) move slowly
________(3) take an indirect route

__- __...
__- ____...
__- ______...
__- ________well?
__- BahahahHahahahHahahahahahahaha BA hahahHAHAHahahahHAhahah [con ad infinitum]


*___*___*

__- shutup. i'm having a fat day.
__- no. it's my turn to have a fat day i'm having a fat day!
__- too bad.
__- dude. look at me, i'm wearing my fat-day pants. i have to have my fat day today!
__- we can't both have fat days. and i'm having mine today.
__- goddamit, it's like dating Mussolini up in dis muah-fu'er


*___*___*

___GF: he beats me.
Friend: who? Q?
___BF: who, me?
___GF: yes! last night! you freaking battered-wifed me in your sleep.
___BF: excuse me, in my sleep, how much does that not count!
Friend: was he really asleep?
___GF: yes, he was scratching me with his toenails, he was like... shaking or something
___BF: thus we enter the realm of too-much-info
Friend: possibly, but continue,
___GF: so i put my hand on his shoulder because he's mumbling to himself in his dream of whatever
Friend: rright
___GF: and he jumps, when i touch him, i mean jumps up in bed shouting whatwhat! arms waving around smacking me what! what is that? who?
___BF: oh! i did not!
___GF: did you jump up in bed?
___BF: yes.
___GF: did you mumble something you don't remember?
___BF: yes.
___GF: right. and i'm telling you what you said.
___BF: i was having a bad dream! it's different. it's totally not battery.
Friend: what was the dream about?
___GF: so what was it?
___BF: automatism is a defense!
___GF: oh, that's soo much better. you automatically batter me in your sleep.
Friend: seriously, what was the dream about?
___BF: what.
___GF: this is the best part. tell him what the dream was about
___BF: ok, i have to put this in context
Friend: just say it!
___GF: he's allergic to cats
___BF: right. but i love them.
___GF: and he wishes he could have a cat so he could name it Hercules or something ridiculous
___BF: not Hercules! that's too obvious.
___GF: excuse me, Pericles.
___BF: yes. or Euclid. or Archimedes.
Friend: [laughing]
___GF: this is actually an improvement. until a week ago he wanted two dogs named Ratio & Obiter
Friend: what?
___GF: law-joke. don't worry. just imagine the geekiest thing every thought-up by man anywhere
Friend: so you were dreaming about a cat?
___BF: i thought it leapt up to scratch me!
___GF: [whiny voice] poor Q-bear. the little pussy jumped up to scratch him
Friend: [laughing]
___BF: [to Friend] eff you dolphin [to GF] eff you whale ...
___GF: w h a t .
___BF: that came out wrong.really.it did.you're the dolphin.definitely dolphin.yes dolphin [nodding rapidly]
___