4:05am, a synopsis

gemma ward


THINGS Q WAS THINKING AS HE ATE THE FOURTH GRATUITOUS DONUT, A LIST:

(1) god dammit
(2) nomnomnomnom
(3) god dammit
(4) but this is the last one. until it is consumed, it will sit on the counter and call out to me. this is the only way i can concentrate on anything. it must be eaten. it must.
(5) obviously i'll be wearing my fat-pants tomorrow [those are your designated go-to pants for when you're feeling like an epic fatty]


*___*___*

- do you realize in... 21 days exactly i'll be in new york?
- ...
- ... well?
- no. ___but, i did just realize how much i hate you.
- how much?
- ok, so you remember my favourite line from Orson Welles & Me?
- 'some asshole doth stole it?'
- yes.
- yeah, i remember it.
- ok. i hate you as much as i love that line.
- that's a lot.
- eee.yah.
- ok. but just think of the upside.
- which is?
- i'll bring you back underwear and tshirts from the 99c store.
- ...
- ... well?
- far as i can tell that's a win-win.


*___*___*

dear people whom i have not email-responded to. i have no good excuse. i just haven't been able to. i'm not sure what the reason is, just one of those things.


OTHER 'JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS', A LIST:

(1) i prefer muffins to every other baked good
(2) you backed into my car
(3) the kiss followed whatever last thing you just said was wasn't that funn-
(4) today is today , no matter what i try , it always ends up being today
(5) i'm allergic to cats
(6) can't bring myself to touch my piano
(7) some of us are genetically predisposed to having fat asses
(8) i don't love you anymore. i will never say it out loud, but i'm relieved to be leaving the country. i'm going to be relieved not to have to see you everyday
(9) missed


*___*___*

ON BEING ME & ALIVE SIMULTANEOUSLY, A PRO/CON:

PRO
i get to listen to a sunday smile by Beirut over and over again as i have done for the last 4 yrs
CON
it's 4:23am and i can't sleep, and i'm tired
PRO
my bookshelf brings all da chicks to da yard
CON
my car is a cancerous parasite and when i see it every morning/eve/whenever i feel my heart sink and when i drive out every morning i fantasize the whole way about being collided into by a semi-trailer the size of a small Phoenician totem and when i wake in the ICU with an exhausted trucker who says 'maaan, i'm soo sorry' i'll respond 'bitch please, thanks you muchly', 'dude, i just almost killed you.' and i'll drink some soup through a straw 'just one of those things bro.' and that way i wouldn't have to drive it or wait for someone more ridiculous than i to buy it
PRO
i think i'll wear my cherry red low-top docs tomorrow with my pants rolled up. best antidepressant ever: dress crazy.
CON
no future prospects <-- probably a problem PRO been through worse. she'll be right (in the end CON most the people i love are a hemisphere away PRO cool frames. always pay for proper framing. CON depression/anxiety/attention deficit wha?/alexithymia/it's my fault i'm terrible/anorexia nervosa/ PRO Chagall CON the dickheads on the radio PRO walking around Shanghai's French Quarter in the fall (once upon a CON my heater makes more noise than heat PRO frozen-coke (nuff said) CON music festivals have ruined everything (dear shirtless douche-bag who doesn't know the name of the DJ that's playing: stop drinking, stop aimlessly wandering around bumping into ppl trying to dance) PRO now.