4am

it's 4am and i am tired but not really and sad but not really and wish i had a cat to talk to but not really and feel like slow dancing and walking by the beach and going to get 13 cheeseburgers drive-through and have really quirky messages on facebook that i could respond to with equally quirky messages and meet new people at bustops and live simultaneously in NY, Adelaide, LA, Shanghai, Paris, and somewhere i've never been to yet but that will actually feel like home the way Haifa felt like home even though we all knew it wasn't except we all also knew our soul decides what's home and souls don't care soo much about hilly cities that are built on mountains so that your quadriceps hurt just to get to work in the morning they know better than anything how to pick a comfortable couch for a nest and i want a new suit and a new cardigan and i want a new job and a new name and i want to walk into something for the first time (again) and i want to not worry about: my grades, the sores in my mouth from drinking too much too hot tea, my lost (again) libido, that i have to put fuel in the car (again) tomorrow, this form i need to fill in and send back but i can't can't can't make myself do it because it's just too annoying to be done, feeling like a failure, like a phatso, like my glasses are dirty even when they're not so maybe my glass eyes are, about loneliness and whether i am (since i can't decide) and whether i will be (since i can't decide) and whether i should be and if not then what's the alternative i don't really know what the alternative is called or what it looks like and most importantly how not to be scared of that too because what's the point right?, i'm too broke to afford being scared of anything and i almost to be perfectly truthfully honest with you don't actually care enough about anything to be scared this way or that but it's just that you get into a habit and mine's just readreadread you keep doing it don't know what else to do anyway once upon a life ago i'd sit at 3beans coffee at 3 in the morning and read Precedent and the Law and Midnight's Children and the girl who worked the late shift would sit with me and smoke her cigarettes and we'd talk about how to pick up girls and about nighttime and about youth and where it comes from and where it goes and lots of the time nothing at all, she'd just sit at my table and smoke and watch me read and i'd know she was watching but didn't really care either way seemed harmless enough it in fact was harmless enough to find myself now in this room at 4:21am dear jeebus no i won't go outside have too much to do and work gets done better when you're in your PJs like cuddling and kissing and watching movies which all get done better in PJs maybe it's my body's way of suggesting something to me since my eyes won't suggest sleep and my heart beats soo fast on account of the last hit of amphetamines which got me through 11pm - 2am if only the world would keep up with it then we'd all already be 30 or 40 or 50 and we'd be wrinkly enough not to care about things like that anymore with our saggy boobies and our love-(well)handled abdomens and we'd sit on someone's porch and think how ridiculously we dressed and how silly it was all that worry we did about things that never eventuated and how naive we were to miss the tragedies that did and we all call each other Hamlet and Antigone and after sunset we sip tea and drift to a softer sleep we know now on account of having to slam our bodies into a wall of darkness every night goddamit just let me in over and over against mattresses and sheets and throwing pillows around and masturbating out of boredom or hoping the orgasm will calm our senses you win some you lose most it's 5am and the birds are out by the time i'm calm enough to know what was troubling me in the first place but when i wake up, sweaty from dreams i never can remember i forget what the troubling me in the first place thing actually was so tonight i get to play it all over again i want to sip my tea but it'll sting my mouth i put it off and the green pen lays across a piece of paper and wants to underline something dear jeebus give a stone a break.