40 hours.

it's about midnight when i get home and see the email waiting for me. i take a deep breath and scan , looking for the un in unfortunately or con. it's quite long, it takes a few scans. then: right. yes. un.

something in me knew,- stop.

just stop. it's important not to think. i turn on an episode of friday night lights. watch five. when that doesn't hold my attention anymore it's about 6am. i put on some shorts. whatever tshirt is on the ground. start running anywhere. after 10 minutes i'm breathless but i can't go back. i can't be there. i'm too ashamed to be in my own home. my castle deserves a better master. 50 mins later i come stumbling up my steps. ashamed at not having been able to stay away further. i can't be here. i can't. i must disappear or i must leave. there's no other way.


___*___*___*

when he wakes around 8 i've drank half a bottle and i'm lying on the couch doing not particularly much. i've managed, despite the rum, to stumbled through a shower and half dress myself.

- get dressed.
- mmmmno. mmmmmaybe. wait. __wwwwhy?
- you're coming with me to have breakfast. and look at a few houses.
- doooo you know i haven't slept in ininin.... 27 hours?
- yes. and i know you can probably barely walk, but i don't want you home alone all day. no telling what you'll do.


___*___*___*

i'm a little clearer when he drops me back home in the afternoon. i lay on the couch doing more nothing much. something in me kne- stop. nono.

i put an end to that with whatever's left in the bottle. 


___*___*___*

when she arrives i'm back on the couch.

- oh dear.
- you are in deed.
- didn't go well then?
- no idea. what. you're, talking. about.
- how much have you drank?
- no more left. need more. let's go for walk. but later. when i can walk again.


___*___*___*

i dressed myself. the shower felt nice. i'm calmer. where's my towel? (i get her a towel). walk her to her dinner party. hey, go home and try to sleep will you? how long have you been up? not sure. (i count in my head) 38. 38 hours i say. you must be exhausted. except i'm not. go home, leave the key in the mailbox, i'll check up on you later. not one bit. i leave her at her restaurant and walk the block a while.

i have a new bottle. just in case. 


___*___*___*

i get home. undress. text my mom back because she's starting to worry. which is starting to annoy me.

and collapse.

 

sunday chit-chat

when he gets home i'm lying on the couch doing nothing much.

- what are you doing?
- feeling miserable.
- how many?
- none.
- no-pill sunday?
- yup.
- how many yesterday?
- 2-pill saturday.
- that's alright.
- yah. it's alright. i'm feeling it now though. tomorrow's gonna be murder.
- it's gotta be done.
- yup. yes it does.
- you want some food?
- na. thanks though. i just wanna lay here and whimper a while longer.


___*___*___*

- hey, i don't wanna have sex tonight.
- what are you telling me for?
- i feel bad about it.
- what? why?
- supposed to meet a girl tonight - it's taken weeks to get on the same schedule, we set this up earlier in the week.
- so...
- i can't do it. i don't know why, i just can't.
- you don't know?
- no, i know. i know. still getting used to J not being around. been so busy. i just thought it might unwind me a little bit. but... i just don't want to.
- so... don't. call it off.
- yah. i'll call it off.
- ...
- man i can't.
- can't what?, call it off?
- no, no. sex. relationships - all that. i can't. i don't have much more of this in me.
- ...
- i'm going to oxford. i'm gonna get it done. i'm gonna get married. the end.
- i've never heard you say that.
- yeah. but i been thinking it for a little while. i think it's time.
- is it that easy?
- yah. you know what you want. it's easy, you just keep an eye out. you know how many good people are in the world?, keep an eye out you'll meet an incredible woman. we guys, we got it too good.
- dude, those pills are messing you up.


___*___*___*

it's sunday-quiet.
i have french doors leading outside from my bedroom. i leave one door open to let the sunday-quiet in.

it's a lonely a night - and there i said it - the L word. faced up to it. look how big i've gotten. all mature and self-aware and knows to say the L word when it needs to be said.

i had lunch with my parents' marriage therapists (don't even ask how that happened). just saw her and sat besides her and ate my sandwich and chewed the fat.

-... you know you just speak in terms of benefits and opportunities. that's just you. and you're articulate and charming ...
- ...
- ... your personality type - most CEOs are your personality type. high-achiever types. even the self-doubt, insatiability - all of it. you're a stereotype with a capital S you know that ...
- ...
- ... emotions'll kill you though. Achilles heel. crush you ...
- ...
- ... so you're scared. big deal. look under the bed. tell yourself you're scared, and you'll feel better ...
- ...
- ... you gotta learn that, that it's okay to have emotions. that it's actually alright to feel things. and that you're gonna feel them anyway, you might as well own up to it ...
- ...
- ... you listening?
- kinda. in parts.
- is this hard for you?
- it's been a long few weeks. I thought we were gonna sit here and eat our sandwiches in the shade.
- i spent a decade listening to your parents talk about divorce - listen to me otherwise i'll spend the next decade listening to you and your wife - 
- ...
-  - or maybe just your wife, you'll be hiding under a bed somewhere pretending you're not feeling anything.
- ...
- you want your cookie?
- no ma'am.
- gimme that. price for good advice.

that place / gamechanger

here is the quiet place ,
i can hear flower petals in the night
and when my knees shake i think i believe in god
and, maybe, even myself.

here i do not move.
some few hours a night i lay still.
and try not to be scared of everything i'm so close to.
maybe, even myself.


___*___*___*

it's the scariest thing in the world to want something. not 'oh yah, that'd be nice', i'm talking want. it's a pain. a vulnerability. because if you want it, you put yourself out. you're vulnerable. a flick hurts to the core. a win is an earthquake. i'm on the precipice of a gamechanger. straight-up. the big leagues. i mean it. son of immigrants. confused. never once in ten years knew where i was going. cried on the couch of so many friends... how'd i become this. so close to it. effing big leagues.

i got my suit pressed. bought a new shirt - so that i can do up the top button and still breathe. got a haircut. shaved my beard. i'll get my shoes shined next week. will pick a tie. i think my grandfather's. i've got seven days to climb a mountain. and the whole time, fight against a job that's driving me nuts from 8am till 1am everyday. against that and everything that that means. everything i can leave behind if i can just hope my way out of this and into this.

(i had not known dreams could be this true).
(i had not known dreams could hurt).

i am almost invincible these days. i'm more tree than man. and somehow,
all i want to do is crawl up in someone's lap and cry. i haven't felt that need in years.


___*___*___*

- i read an article about emotional unavailability
- right.
- it was like... some stupid chick magazine, '5 signs that say he's emotionally unavailable' - something like that
- hmm
- and i was like omg, this is q! you were every single sign.
- and?
- every. single. sign.
- how have we been hanging out all year and you've only just come to this conclusion?


___*___*___*

she cried.
i clutched a pillow to my chest till it was all over.
but i'm right here. even if you're you, i'm still here. how does that not matter?
all i could hear were the possums creeping around the trees outside.
whatever. i don't wanna talk about this. forget i brought it up. #toosoon.


___*___*___*

i'm getting younger with age.


___*___*___*

more people believe in me than i realised. i'm humbled by this. i don't understand it, but i'm humbled by it.


___*___*___*

it might be loneliness. maybe that's it.
this is the problem with my obsessiveness. my single-mindedness doesn't permit derivation or distraction. i'm consumed by it. the wants - when i'm brave enough to engage with them demand everything.
everything must be given she said - i recently read the Satanic Verses - it's one of the refrains, everything must be given.

(& so it is with life.
everything.

till i am dust, panting.
and the cracks in my bones finally feel free enough to exhale.

how strange the sound of all this.


___*___*___*

in seven days i'll sit around a table with nine people. i have to come off the pills. i need to be more me. the robot has to be put back in the closet.

what then?

who knows.

BIG leagues.
wants.

a future i had not thought possible.
possibly earned, more like: willed to life.


___*___*___*

or i could forget the whole thing and watch another 2 episodes of friday night lights.