Monday, September 30, 2013

40 hours.

it's about midnight when i get home and see the email waiting for me. i take a deep breath and scan , looking for the un in unfortunately or con. it's quite long, it takes a few scans. then: right. yes. un.

something in me knew,- stop.

just stop. it's important not to think. i turn on an episode of friday night lights. watch five. when that doesn't hold my attention anymore it's about 6am. i put on some shorts. whatever tshirt is on the ground. start running anywhere. after 10 minutes i'm breathless but i can't go back. i can't be there. i'm too ashamed to be in my own home. my castle deserves a better master. 50 mins later i come stumbling up my steps. ashamed at not having been able to stay away further. i can't be here. i can't. i must disappear or i must leave. there's no other way.


when he wakes around 8 i've drank half a bottle and i'm lying on the couch doing not particularly much. i've managed, despite the rum, to stumbled through a shower and half dress myself.

- get dressed.
- mmmmno. mmmmmaybe. wait. __wwwwhy?
- you're coming with me to have breakfast. and look at a few houses.
- doooo you know i haven't slept in ininin.... 27 hours?
- yes. and i know you can probably barely walk, but i don't want you home alone all day. no telling what you'll do.


i'm a little clearer when he drops me back home in the afternoon. i lay on the couch doing more nothing much. something in me kne- stop. nono.

i put an end to that with whatever's left in the bottle. 


when she arrives i'm back on the couch.

- oh dear.
- you are in deed.
- didn't go well then?
- no idea. what. you're, talking. about.
- how much have you drank?
- no more left. need more. let's go for walk. but later. when i can walk again.


i dressed myself. the shower felt nice. i'm calmer. where's my towel? (i get her a towel). walk her to her dinner party. hey, go home and try to sleep will you? how long have you been up? not sure. (i count in my head) 38. 38 hours i say. you must be exhausted. except i'm not. go home, leave the key in the mailbox, i'll check up on you later. not one bit. i leave her at her restaurant and walk the block a while.

i have a new bottle. just in case. 


i get home. undress. text my mom back because she's starting to worry. which is starting to annoy me.

and collapse.