sunday chit-chat

when he gets home i'm lying on the couch doing nothing much.

- what are you doing?
- feeling miserable.
- how many?
- none.
- no-pill sunday?
- yup.
- how many yesterday?
- 2-pill saturday.
- that's alright.
- yah. it's alright. i'm feeling it now though. tomorrow's gonna be murder.
- it's gotta be done.
- yup. yes it does.
- you want some food?
- na. thanks though. i just wanna lay here and whimper a while longer.


___*___*___*

- hey, i don't wanna have sex tonight.
- what are you telling me for?
- i feel bad about it.
- what? why?
- supposed to meet a girl tonight - it's taken weeks to get on the same schedule, we set this up earlier in the week.
- so...
- i can't do it. i don't know why, i just can't.
- you don't know?
- no, i know. i know. still getting used to J not being around. been so busy. i just thought it might unwind me a little bit. but... i just don't want to.
- so... don't. call it off.
- yah. i'll call it off.
- ...
- man i can't.
- can't what?, call it off?
- no, no. sex. relationships - all that. i can't. i don't have much more of this in me.
- ...
- i'm going to oxford. i'm gonna get it done. i'm gonna get married. the end.
- i've never heard you say that.
- yeah. but i been thinking it for a little while. i think it's time.
- is it that easy?
- yah. you know what you want. it's easy, you just keep an eye out. you know how many good people are in the world?, keep an eye out you'll meet an incredible woman. we guys, we got it too good.
- dude, those pills are messing you up.


___*___*___*

it's sunday-quiet.
i have french doors leading outside from my bedroom. i leave one door open to let the sunday-quiet in.

it's a lonely a night - and there i said it - the L word. faced up to it. look how big i've gotten. all mature and self-aware and knows to say the L word when it needs to be said.

i had lunch with my parents' marriage therapists (don't even ask how that happened). just saw her and sat besides her and ate my sandwich and chewed the fat.

-... you know you just speak in terms of benefits and opportunities. that's just you. and you're articulate and charming ...
- ...
- ... your personality type - most CEOs are your personality type. high-achiever types. even the self-doubt, insatiability - all of it. you're a stereotype with a capital S you know that ...
- ...
- ... emotions'll kill you though. Achilles heel. crush you ...
- ...
- ... so you're scared. big deal. look under the bed. tell yourself you're scared, and you'll feel better ...
- ...
- ... you gotta learn that, that it's okay to have emotions. that it's actually alright to feel things. and that you're gonna feel them anyway, you might as well own up to it ...
- ...
- ... you listening?
- kinda. in parts.
- is this hard for you?
- it's been a long few weeks. I thought we were gonna sit here and eat our sandwiches in the shade.
- i spent a decade listening to your parents talk about divorce - listen to me otherwise i'll spend the next decade listening to you and your wife - 
- ...
-  - or maybe just your wife, you'll be hiding under a bed somewhere pretending you're not feeling anything.
- ...
- you want your cookie?
- no ma'am.
- gimme that. price for good advice.