babyface

i miss my sister. not a little, a lot. not perhaps the whole of my sister, i don't miss that, i miss phrases. Gooduus give it back! or, when i get mad, and walk around the house fuming those mother fu*&ing sons of god-damned - - ffuu&&**! and she giggles to herself and says: Goodduuuss you are SO rude! (and while i'm ashamedly apologizing to her she cuts me off) No! I LOVE IT HAHAHAH!! (and in a corner my mother shakes her head and scornfully says: you happy with yourself? you see what you've done to my baby? and Sahar (feeling protective of her brother: I'm his baby TOO!, you can't take all the credit you know!

last night, driving home, it occured to me, if nothing else... i'm happy to have been involved in this single person's life. i don't know about my contribution(s) to anyone else. to any other cause. to any other person's health or happiness. i suppose it can't be all bad, but still you never know how much you really do for any(one)thing. but i know what i've done, with my hands and lower back and patient discussions and angry rampages for my sister. and when she says: I'm his baby TOO! that's why he calls me baby DUH! i can't help but swell with pride. (and just this moment, simulatneously wither with distance, and elate with those unique precious memories that make a person not sad or notalgic, but soo unmeasurably happy and proud. the sorts of memories you want to die with so that you can say to yourself, as your final breath: yes! it was me! i was here! i did those things, and they were wonderful.

(and in my head i hear: Gooodduus you are soooo annoying!
- NO! You can't have a kiss whenever you want! NO!
- Goodduus you look soooo cool, like a rock star! (while my mom stands outside my door mumbing, oh my god, he's finally gay, oh dear lord why why why? you cannot leave the house looking like that you just can't can't can't)
(and i'm tempted to think of all those lines that will make me sad and crush me and break me, but i am going to avoid them, and end with the one i like hearing the bestest:
- Goddus, i love you! give me a big boos!