Monday, January 26, 2009

redemption song

i'm going to extremely regret this, pinkyhonor

it was like a first realization, almost a reminder; only that i couldn't at first recognize it. but i walked out the class, and said bye Adelaide, bye Newport (having deconstructed soo long, who people are matters little to me and their names and faces shift soo much anyway) and i looked up to a navy-blue sky. illuminated from underneath bye toxic yellow and from above with new-born stars... a magic carpet.
____and on the wind, for once, i heard nothing. i sensed nothing against my cheek- no pins, no locusts. no smell of farther beaches, no long-lost-ghost's lips. just... air. moving. from somewhere to somewhere. irrelevant wind: which is good for nothing but cooling my arms, and for flapping young women's dresses and hair, and for making so many beautiful things soo much more beautiful. and i thought to myself how beautiful it all was as i got into my car.
____slowly, in my chest, a growing depth. a heaviness. an expansion. a seismic swelling, but unlike those others, this was a new kind. light as a balloon. blurring the edges of the night as i walked into my front door. romantic, and gentle and kind and subtle. finally, it dawned on me what it must be... an almost indecipherable word. something i haven't said for a long long time. a forgiveness of soo many things. a clarity, a... gratitude. and i realized, maybe it's temporary, but it is here, right now, sitting besides me, a perfect conception of my life. a whole summary, a whole not-needed-explanation, the Great why? finally spelled-out for me. (the answer is: because!), it was appreciation. understanding. like landing on the other side of the fence, and finally understanding, and shouting: thankyou man-who-chased-me! thankyou for scaring me over this wall! and forgetting the bruises, the tears on phones, the angry trepidation, the homidical idealations, the yearnings that divided me, brutal chasms.
____and it's not even that i'm great. or wonderful. or particularly alive or anything so grandoise as that. but just that i am. another scrap amongst the ant-hill. and am loved in my own undeserving ways. and i do love. from breakfast to dawn i spend loving. from tree to tortoise, from blueberry muffin to ragamuffin friends to blue starry bends in the streaks of night: life is a tragedy that hurts because i love it. (and mostly, i miss the Shrine of Abdul'Baha. this quiet wind, this gentlest wind, this half-lit room, this unrequited desire to hug and be hugged, these are all things that were first born there. first found there. first made sense of there. first grasped and held in my hand for brief periods of time there. and brutal 2007, and equally brutal 2008, and those lonely afternoons (followed and preceded by other lonely afternoons) and those angry mornings (followed and preceded by the same) and all that lost, uninterpretable... that mess, oh how far it feels! how distant. how small and faraway and mythical and unsurmountable and how unmyself it all was. how unmyself, since myself (right now) smiles as he walks into a room. and the most beautiful girl ever ever was sitting at a computer and turned to see me walk past and her eyes lit up as though a flashing light had just crossed her. and tomorrow when i find her (and am less startled by her favorable eyes) i'll say to her something, and it will be equally small and irrelevant and only prove that everything dies back into itself so that it can be born as a second mis.lost.found.chance.
____but mostly:

__dear lord alleverything who makes breaks and shakes,
__who crafts days as tragedies, and tragedies as comedies, and smiles
__all hopelessness back into breathing tomorrow:
__who sinks ships to sleep in sandy blankets amongst pearls and coins,
__who makes my alleverything dry up and die so this monday night could be soo pleasant.

__tomorrow is for tomorrow, but tonight, i forgive you and every yesterday i could not bare.
__(even more:
______Q, i forgive you too)

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