my mooshcake brings all the boyz to da yard

mooshcake-sandwich by apennyfortheoldguy


NICKNAMES ENDURED BY MY GF; A LIST:

- jiggly puff
- jiggs
- babs
- dickface
- hangon lemme callyouback [beep. beep. beep. beep.]


REASONS I AM AWAKE AT 3:14AM SATURDAY JUN 26

i alternate between complete FrEaKoUts and completely not-caring-ness. neither of which is particularly...

___but which make me tired.
in any case. if you wanna talk about restitution, or norms of international customary law, i'm probably your guy. except, as far as i can tell you're not two dimensional and things that aren't white with speckles of black forms on them confuse me.


WORDS

as far as i can tell, __forces , changes rather ::
see __machine. ____big machine. takes in
food. water. ____(air, __when it can be found).
__leaves detectable smell.
__hair , ____dust - but, __who knows which god makes all that dust,

which god makes silence.
for what it's worth ::

__________time
is its own
go d.


THINGS

(1) i'm owed a cheque. in the mail. how lovely.
__- what's the award?
__- for what?
__- the evidence prize.
__- oh. __i don't know. __i hear it's a cheque.
__- how much for?
__- fine. i'll take you to lunch.
__- don't be stupid ;
__- ...
__- you have to take me to lunch regardless.
__- good. cause i was having no regard.
__- why aren't you excited?
__- i like it better when i get... book vouchers or... actual prizes.
__- you've never once opened the books you got last semester.
__- i know but they make me feel nice when i see them on my shelf.
__- easy fix. you give me the cheque, and i'll buy you a book or two so you can feel nice.
__- maybe i'll use it to contribute towards buying another suit
__- you just bought one.
__- i know
__- no, seriously, by just bought one i mean, on Sunday. like 6 days ago.
__- two words: Filipa K.
__- that's actually a name and a letter. a pronoun and a consonant. no really two 'words'.
__- don' get all scrabbletastic with me.
__- dinner then?
__- fine, i'll take you to dinner.
__- duh.

(2) i think i'll buy a little fish. i really want a cat, but given the allergies, i think i'll buy a fish. i really wanted a cat to sit on my desk while i read at 3:33am and kinda sleep and purr and keep my company. failing that i think i'll buy a little fish. i'll name it Moby. (after the whale not the vegan skinny guy with the one good album). or actually, this is really clever, i'll name him Captain Ahab. bit of role playing. that way, he can call me moby. except he'll be saying it in fish so it'll sound like [__bl____bll _b].

(3) i want to murder my car. i understand such anthropomorphism must be confined to the literary realm and therefore i cannot actually per se literally in physical actual reality-land kill my car. nevertheless, i think if i drive it off a cliff somewhere that might symbolize the sincerity of my emotions.

(4) hungry = cereal.
wait a week.
then you feel ill.
try it.
you'll see.

(5) otherwise the heater can keep me company. when i'm sad william basinski. when i'm happy some book or another. the hearts of once-were-trees sliced and well presented.

eat a date. drink tea.
if it's meal time cereal. cereal. cereal.

i am too tired to contemplate sleep. __(and anyway,
sleep is too tired to contemplate me.
sometimes i think rather i am time's fish. sitting on its white desk saying [_bl_b ]. he looks up and watches me turn twice around. then he goes back to his business of pulling rugs out from beneath people.

(6) is this actually writing?
is this what this is?
is this how it works?
i used to be pretty alright at this thing did you know that? it's true. there was a time i cold string a pretty sexalicious sentence together. brought all the boyz to da yard. __(as they say).

(7) i like slow.
i think, one day,

maybe i'll start praying for it.

only when things did slow down i'd find some new must-do goal to go and ruin it all again. perhaps when i'm old, 79 maybe, i'll be sitting on a couch and in one hit, 40-odd years of running and rushing and reading fast and memorizing and jogging and falling in and out of love and poverty and sadness and unreasonable glee will finally catch up to me puffing. like... everything i don't have time to feel right now because i need to sort out erga omnes by next week...

laws that apply to everyone. rights towards all. obligations shouldered by all.

time.
air.
cereal.

cast your vote.
kiss her goodnight.
dream fast,
listen patiently.

(8)

where was i?

am i?

?

lists

untitled, Sean Marc Lee


JUNE PLAYLIST GENERALLY

1. Everyday Balloons - A Weather
2. High Violet - the National
3. In Evening Air - Future Islands
4. Down the Way - Angus & Julia Stone
5. Clinging to a Scheme - The Radio Dept
6. Lazerproof - Major Lazor & Le Roux
7. Total Life Forever - Foals



JUNE PLAYLIST SPECIFICALLY

1. Welt Am Draht (Animal Collective Remix) - Panthu Du Prince
2. Raphael - Coco Rosie
3. Lose My Fuse - Muhsinah & Flying Lotus
4. It's Too Late - The Streets
5. Jamelia - Caribou
6. 10 Mile Stereo - Beach House



THINGS THAT MIGHT MAKE ME HAPPY(IER

1. sleep
2. not being allergic to, so i could get a, cat(preferably two), and name it(them), possibly:


___POSSIBLE NAMES FOR MY HYPOTHETICAL CAT(s) (A SUBLIST)

___1. geronimo
___2. karachi
___3. kaleidoscope
___4. ratio & obiter
___5. winston & dimitri


3. 1967 Shelby Mustang
4. eight weeks in any of: Seattle, NY, Haifa, Shanghai, LA, Berlin, Paris, Rhodes
5. Burial releasing a new LP
6. more rain
7. having some creativity
8. dinner with any of: Jinab, Mar, E, Monz, Ashtree, Richard
9. waking up not remembering my identity and becoming convinced i am in fact the long-awaited return of Captain Ahab, buying a striped sweater, a duffel bag and taking to the high seas to prove to myself what i've always known is that there are super massive sized giant squid out there somewhere and if you just chill floating around some God's blue eye long enough it'll creep out of a crack in the centre of the earth and float to the surface and in one fell swoop drag your whole vessel 20,000 leagues under where in complete saturated darkness you'll know for yourself once and for all

it's true.

magic.

still.

here.

a letter/convo

this is awkward. i feel like we haven't seen each other in so long. come here. sit, sit, please, __sit. it's strange to see you, ya know what i mean, like - visuallysee that's what i mean.

____________ha!, really?, that's what you think? ____Wow.
no. No way.
i've been good. sure sure, good enough, can't complain, all's well that ends in a box, something like that, that's what they say isn't it?, ____all's well that Ends.


____yah, but you know when you haven't spoken to someone for so long? it gets harder and harder to pick it up again. it's the same with anything, it's the same with siblings, exes, old once-were-best-friends.
__no, ____not quite. ____not quite anyway.
so...
what can i tell you about, __what do you wanna hear about? i haven't been harpooning whales or anything. ______________no no, ______Oh you know how the rumour mill works.

you don't? ha.

don't be silly. but truthfully, it's not nice to complain to people you haven't seen or heard from in ages. it's just bad form. better to smile through it. yah yah, all good. no, of course not. nice to see you. then you walk out, exhale, and mope your sorry ass back home, know what i mean?
HA! yeah. __heaps funny.


no. it's hard to explain why i didn't.
people are mistaken when they say words and inspiration and stuff, that it comes from within. i find that... not so. __not necessarily anyway. __sometimes sure. it just wells up and you gotta run to someone, or a diary or a netcafe in Vienna and just start going vrrrrrom a million miles a second. ________yah. ________me neither. __________not for ages anyway. it's just been... this silent space. empty rooms i'm tired of being empty.
ah, but you get accustomed to it. you try it. i mean it. you try it. take an armchair and an ipod and climb down into an empty swimming pool. just chill there for like 8 months. you come out something altogether new. ____not a freak. __i didn't!, ______i didn't use that word anyway.
but...

what the hell, __yah, Something very much like that. like a life-sentence finally done. or... Gilligan back on the street he grew up in. it's just weird. you're strange when you've been alone for that long. you keep waiting for the walls to say something back. or... it's noisy and it's stressful when people are around.

____no, no, ____i'm not blaming you. no, i'm just saying ,
after you get accustomed to it, it's a little hard to then pick up the phone one day, or sit behind a computer and write and be like... yo, hello. ya know?




maybe. maybe that's it.
it's hard not to drift in and out of yourself. it's not lunacy.
ok fine, maybe it is.
all the scrabble in the world i still can't pick out the right word for when i need it. ____felicitous? is that what i was ... ______oh. ____oh, rightright.

____________________[LATER]

lost. yah.
hungry too, but with no appetite.
roller coaster. up and down, never know which wind you'll get.
music's too loud or too soft,
heater's too high or there's no air,
can't keep my neck up straight - hey hand me the, ____yah,thanks

____those are dreams that were his eyes.
forget the pearls, i'm talking about things that... ________No, No ,, you can't.
you just can't hold on to this stuff.

body sinks in and out of space. half the time,
not sure about alternative universes, i'm sure it's not quite so outlandish as that.

sleep?
__________yah maybe.
____________________i've kinda picked that up. ______yah :: no, totally, definately best not to trust decisions you make at 4am.

ohm'god, i had this thing on the other day, couldn't sleep, at 4 kinda picked out what to wear and ironed it and put it aside. yah yah. ah, you walk past the closet 14 times you think you might as well get it sorta. ______anyway, get couple hours sleep, wake up,
feeling like... __like..., i don't know, Lady Lazarus or something,
get dressed leave the house.
couple hours later, when i've recovered most my cognitive faculties ____!! ____I KNOW!
________________right, exactly


____________________[LATER]








____________________________________________________phhheww
____________________________________________________________[sigh]

enough is enough (is enough) (is enough)

enough is enough Q. you need to write. something. anything. but start with something.

REASONS I HAVE NOT BEEN WRITING MUCH
after spending three weeks not really sure what was gonna happen with life (and being all boo-hoo) suddenly boom everything happened and next thing you know i'm half a trillion pages behind in reading and need a haircut and haven't eaten anything but cereal and tins of tuna in a week and i need a haircut.


REASONS I HAVE NOT REALLY BEEN WRITING MUCH
then there's the inspiration problem. you'd think you don't need much inspiration to sit down and right on your own blog about random un-non-interestingness that happens in your own life... but you'd be wrong. often times that requires the most inspiration. because, that's exactly the problem, there's nothing particularly interesting about the quiet miracles and moods of our days


REASON I CAN'T WRITE MORE RIGHT NOW
just got a phone call. the meeting's at 11 not 11:30.
bad Q.
very naughty
very bad Q.

always late

thoughts (fragments)

you can't be human and magic at the same time sweetheart
___Ponyo










untitled, emdicvictor


she says why not write something nice then? and she thinks a second and continues like when you put my socks on for me because i was drunk, that was the nicest thing ever. and seeing that perhaps it hadn't left as big an impression as she'd hoped, she adds ___ever. again at the end. and he sits and chews it over in his head. reminding himself to remember it forever because it is nice to remember things that your friends will remember forever.
______or the time you got stuck in your pajama pants and got mad and decided to sleep with your leg half out of the pee hole and i straightened you up remember that?, write about that maybe? yah. maybe. those are things i could write about.


*___*___*

maybe i could be a portraitist. sit on a bench by the mall with a sign out 'portraits' it would say. hey, where's your drawing stuff? someone would ask, i'd show him a pad of paper and a pen. and i'd start writing:

___your eyes finish the teases of the moon,
___bathed in milk-blue, slipping between night and day
___lost in space, discovered in time
___a phantom's phantom

what the hell are you talking about? he says and storms off.

___and your dreams are magnet letters scattered on refrigerator doors
___spelling 'discography' at noon and 'eulogy' at 5
___and when the kids come home
___you remember dreams are things you had back when you had time,
___and back when your dreams were things you sought dominion over

these empty pockets are too heavy a price to pay for this career choice.


*___*___*

my eyes sting.
i have been tired since 2007.
maybe i should shower.


*___*___*

so i call my mother that's what you do when you're me and it's been long enough and in the end there's no one anyone would rather speak to anyway than their mom, well. that's what happens with you conquerors she says, you work like madmen, win a couple of awards and then think f&ck, what was the point of that? then she thinks, and adds then you go find a new challenge to defeat. stay calm kiddo, you'll bounce back.

meanwhile i've just been accepted onto the Jessup team, i suppose i have a town to raze. pull it together Q, you're gonna need your fire.

and just in case you need a little law-school flavored giggle: this one's on me.

notanotanotanotanything

poems are language for sad people. __if not sad at least quiet
i write best when i'm sad. (best and most.
________also when i'm in love.
________or out,
out of love, or
have run out of home and don't know what a post box is anymore
and when i show my id and people say is this address still current, i kinda smirk.
this isn't a poem by the way. it's writing with random spaces throughout to be artsy-cool (but also to reflect particular nuances in my speech and thinking pattern).
or sumthin.


*___*___*

i seem to have outrun the pills.
beat the meds.
grown beyond the chemicals.
you can all laugh and cheer now, i'm myself.
3 deads out of every 5 days.
slept 14 hours and was disappointed when i opened my eyes.
yup, i'm back to normal;

god i hate it when that happens.

.

untitled, shesaskeleton


A POEM FOR MONA:

__K I
__S S
__I K


[NB: that poem for mona being entitled:

__'the kiss represented as a palindrome -

whereby first person's lips are represented in retrograde
by second person's lips in dynamic mirror image
forming a connexion point between two unstable forms
that meet and maintain order by creating a single
temporary housed solace from everything that's everywhere
and reducing speech talk sound time into a gravitationally pleasant
space whereby philotheosocioculpoliticosophy is irrelevant
and bodies speak in the languages they know best:
body., __and movement., __and heat,
and lips speak their native tongue: silence
and if done right will render both participants,
the surrounding space
the uneventful and unimpeded future

breath
less.

______]

__