fear and self-loathing in LA

spring hides between petals of flowers, and
a limp shoe sits cross-legged on the floor and stares back at me.
somewhere an underwater current, a dark artery: quiet, turbulent, railroad crossing,
__finds a peaceful spot, and feels comfortable, and raises his head:

(all our secrets disband,
and the lines of foreheads and palms strip off

____and i find a way to say everything i'm too scared to say
__(and too made of nothing to say)
__(and hate myself too much (for) to say(ing)

these coins on the carpet are cold and planetary
when i need them, there are no sounds-
__(i have never been so loveless)
and the session at the cinema across the street already started,

(somewhere a dark muscle presses inwards, and sends streams of warm, viscous, humanity
through tight nooks and cracks, and my head throbs, and my eyes quiver and cannot see
anything that's not a blur,
and all this inside a thin layer of skin that's warm and cold)

someone's kicked a rock.
it rolls to a stop. __finally.
nonmotion. a stagnant potential grows slowly violent, __shivering with frustrated fury
and the rock shuts its eyes and urges herself to grow fingertips
__(and manages at best a salty layer of sweat)

(and floating above my head
are all the things i dare not say

and all the things i dare not hear

and all the things i dare not know

and all the deaths i dare not

And God presses His warm cheek to cold glass,
and exhales a little winter cloud to water His garden for Him.
rubs His too-unslept weary eyes,
and twice-blinks a cat to stroke, a flutist to play, and still feels lonely;
and sighs Cassandra's barren curse upon Himself:

____believe me, it's for the best

(and middle-aged men sit at steering wheels and stare at cement roads and leak their faith out
of unknown springs
(and youths kick rocks and spit His three-lettered-name out their mouth
(and babies stare at rainbows, and watch the Old Man cry in green and violet and blueberry
dews, all He'd hoped we got about all we didn't.

the afternoon kills me.
____Time, Gravity, failure... perhaps success, Faith, disappointment, apathy:
______squeeze my chest tight and drench my limbs with too much red-stuff
________(i haven't breathed in years)

i am all water
____and moon
____and dream
and impossibility.

(i hear a baby cry
____and mimic her voice

(and outlive that too)

let's go

., originally uploaded by copyright depuis 1965.

things to leave behind____________________things to take

__-the one-eyed stare of the LA sky_____________-Emily Dickinson, poems
__-i once lost my soul by the pool..._____________-two full notebooks
__-sleeping on the ground__________________ _-an occasionally sore back
__-the ugliest leather shoes in the world________ _-black Ferragamo half-boots
__-memories_____________________________-memories
__-dreams_____________________ _______ __-being one step closer to dreamlessness
__-hopelessness___________________________-a new(er) macbook
__-the anguish of two hours spent on the 405_____ _-a busted ankle
__-pinkberry_____________________________-12 new pairs of black H&M hipster undies
__-the Olympic Peninsula____________________-a completed long short-story.archive.history
__-monz, mar, ashtree______________________-monz, mar, ashtree
__-the future___________________ ________ _-ano(the)r future
__-nearly 500 flashcards___________________ _-knowing the definition of auspicious
_________________________________ __ _ _(and mumbling it to myself)
__-watching sytycd with you__________________-loving dance
__-the last embers of hope.love.life.forever.infinity_ .-the two dreams i(you) gave you(me)
____please.marriage.endlessness.neverness.fear
____please.collapse.touch.scent.phone numbers.
____please?. i had for you.
__-my grandfather's body____________________-a new picture in my prayer book
_______________________________________(tucked under the heading: for the departed)
__-too much noise_________________________-a familiar, mild sadness
__-time_______________________________ _-more time
__-pike place chowder______________________-David Malouf, collected poems
__- just put my arms around you (what?)_______ _-empty handed
_ _and hope that i will do no wrong
__-me__Me__me__Me__me ____ ___________.._-__me?
__-Strunk, the Elements of Style___________ __ _-a full head of hair
__-everything i hadn't dared to hope for________ _-two poems martha wrote for me
__-12 empty bottles of water on my bedroom floor _ .-the card my sister gave me yesterday:

_______________________________________Dear Q Jaan,
_______________________________________I want to thankyou so much for
_______________________________________coming to America to help me
_______________________________________follow my dreams It means so
_______________________________________much to me and I know nobody
_______________________________________in the world would do that for me
_______________________________________let alone anybody else
_______________________________________If you didn't come and help me
_______________________________________and mummy, mummy wouldn't
_______________________________________be able to come alone and help
_______________________________________me to follow my dreams
_______________________________________So I want to thankyou and I hope
_______________________________________your dreams come true I know
_______________________________________that you deserve It
_______________________________________I wish you could have stayed with
_______________________________________me in the USA but I am sure
_______________________________________I'll see you again
_______________________________________Love you so much
_______________________________________from your sister
_______________________________________HSAAR

odeur de fin d'été

odeur de fin d'été, originally uploaded by copyright depuis 1965.

*__*__*

i am dismantling my little temporary nonexistence (yet again).

in the process i am preparing a list of resolutions for the next nonexistence i'll no doubt find myself thrust into.upon.

i am not ready to commit to any of them yet.

*__*__*

The sun has just gone down. I am sad. For approximately 4 minutes, my room was a perfect blue.

*__*__*

A STORY ABOUT A PERFECTLY BLUE FOUR MINUTES

She stepped in with no intention of staying for long. It is unfair that she knew how beautiful she was and how everyone would fall for her, and the advantages that such a thing gave her; but nonetheless, she knew. She wore this knowledge plainly, not as a mark of pride or arrogance, but as simply something that was and could not be changed. Thus, she was perfectly feminine.

I, being smaller, meager, confined to my own skin, was simple flattered that she had picked my modest little bedroom to step into. There's a box in one corner where i have stacked some books that are left to be read, some CDs, a few used pens. On the floor are scattered at random jeans, tshirts, a plastic orange laundry basket half full with pale-faced clothes, wires and cables, shoes shoes shoes. She seemed to edge around all these things, handling the obstacles with grace. She rubbed her hands against the chair in the corner where a grey fleece sweater crouches, ready for use. You call this mess home? she said?
no. __of course not. she seemed relieved. she nodded, rubbed her hand along the open lid of an open suitcase that was propped against the wall. She looked in, mostly empty.

The room was glowing, a perfect sentiment, if I could summarize all I wanted to say into one color, she'd have been it. I sat there silently, hoping no voice from another room would interrupt me. How simple she is, made up of this one color, this one quality she lends to everything else, even me, sitting here, simultaneously held up to her breast. And i?_? made up of phrases and insecurities, and my swollen ankle, and my swollen heart, and my dilated pupils, and my exhausted chest that cramps before bed. My malfunctioning machinery. My throbbing brain.

(I noticed her eye grow a touch darker).
All things she started, but I stopped her, i know __don't... there's no need to say anything. She never asked me what i was doing sitting alone, on the floor, in this hurricane room. She never wondered why i sat still as a mouse. she never bothered to wonder about me; a perfect friend. One of us will have to leave soon she said. I stared back. She smiled. In another sense, we'll both have to leave soon. I nodded. She seemed to understand.

I looked out towards the window, but could not make out glass from frame. The light from my screen was harsh now. I looked around, a brutal sort of darkness. Like having been loved and left. Like having been picked- but proving disappointing.

i sigh.
adjust two pillows against a wall.
when i move my pants rise a little and i can feel the bare carpet against my skin.

perhaps by tomorrow i'll have sunk right the way through.

____(one can only hope

songs of the wayfarer

dry, shesaskeleton

this picture is my desktop wallpaper. i have watched this about 12 times today. i wrote down another pros and cons list for my life; i received a rejection letter about my novel, which makes me happy anyway, i like to imagine a stranger's eyes on me; then i had a raspberry Italian soda. 10 hours later i'm going to sit here and try to summarize.

*__*__*

____i.
he sleeps on: __pens __reading glasses
__CDs __washed laundry __wires
cheek to cheek against the carpet.


____ii.
sunday greets him through a half-opened window.
the green of the trees implies an afternoon walk.
there are answers out there somewhere.


____iii.
the closet sliding door is never on its rails,
9 months now he pulls things out from suitcases;
books (have followed him across continents, growing steadily)
___fall on his head.


____iv.
Shanghai's sky is the same color as golden autumn leaves.
LA's has a bright blue unblinking eye.
Seattle, at 3am: one insomniac turns in bed, ____the other rises,
___watches the river try and wash the moon away.
Vienna: i never looked up.
________(i looked back and waited for you.


____v.
and my mother says my eyes are grown sharp.
____they are penetrating.

__"i'm happy."
__"why?"
__"we prayed. _,_lots."
__"so?"
__"for this"
__"how do you know?"
__[smile] "those are the rules son"

and on the phone i hear a laugh

__"when do we want to have a normal life?"

__"I promise we're trying!"

i smile.

__"you should see this!, even Q's laughing"


____vi.
in the Japanese mountains the air feels like spring water
in the LA highway the air feels like napalm
in the Prague winter i breathed in the limbs and appendages of lost ghosts
in the plane to Chicago they crawled back out.


____vii.
his wallet is stuffed full of IDs, __bank accounts, __arrested futures,

(he remembers the feel of the mug holding hot chocolate in Haifa, where he spooned it in,
Lucerne, where he drank velvet,
Paris, where he dipped a croissant, and stared at the 8am Champs Elysee lie quietly against
__the morning sun and look beautiful)

he checks to make sure his next identity is still valid.
[sigh]


____viii.
the money's running out.
Time's hands grow long and short.
he shivers late at night, __hugging the carpeted floor for support,
__mumbling the names of his hometowns


____ix.
__"why didn't you tell me?"
__"you'd want to talk about it._,_ i don't want to talk about it"
__"is it because you feel like you... failed us?"
__"no" [yes]
__"i don't want you to feel like you're a disappointment ok?"
__"i don't." [i do]
__"you tried, that's all that's important"
__" ... " [ ... ]
__"it'll be fine; ok?"
__"of course it will."
__"ok. well then. I guess there's no reason to keep talking about it."
__[nod]


____x.
he passes the gnarled roots of trees, __blue buds hanging like too-beautiful-to-forget memories,
a small garden with pink flowers, __a jogger
____how can i put my arms around all this?


____xi.
your voice
makes me
happy.


____xii.
my bag broke in Prague.
my heart in Chicago.
my future in Haifa.
my past in LA.
my silence in Seattle.
my lungs in Shanghai.

my fingers trembled holding purple leaves in Kyoto.

i've lost control
__i have no center
____i spin away
______(how can i put my arms around this?)
(i mumble to myself quietly, no one can hear, over and over:
__home?
____home?
______home?
________home?

things it's time i said

Goodbye Danny, originally uploaded by sMacshot.

___things i want to say out-loud, A LIST:
____-fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.... [sigh]

___things i don't know how i'm going to manage, A LIST:
____- this week
____- the next six months
____- the next 3 years
____- the rest of my life
____- people's chatter
____- going back. being back. having to stay back
____- all the noise
____- sitting in cars with people asking me questions and me not being able to walk away

___places i'd rather be right now, A LIST:
____-
____-
____-___(what difference does it ever make?)

___things i know for certain, A LIST:
____-
____-
____-
_______(and gravity

___people i'm going to miss not having near, A LIST:
____-
____-
____-
_______(and surprisingly, since i rarely see them - jamjam and susie.


*__*__*

when i was 16, i first had a vision, an acute dream of myself, as a middle-aged man, having ruined his life, slouching into the corner of a large house he was alone in, staring idly away with reddish eyes, and bopping slowly left and right like a fiend dancing at an OD funeral.

i feel one year closer that that.
__(i wish i didn't know where it was going to end

____(gol, monz: it wasn't the year of miracles afterall. just the same as the last... minus the good things)

From the Archives (an Entropy Piece, Saturday April 14, 2007)

responsible advice for management of days starting this saturday

it’s a tedious process. 

first thing’s first:
confining yourself,
just one room is best.
avoid the daylight,
it’s simply a requirement.
make lists of words
each hour to forget.
it’s good to visualise:
imagine your fingers
shorter each day.
pretend you have
one less toe.
ignore your fingers
trembling; ignore
your fingers altogether.
forget colours first;
then shades, then hues.
aim for a complete
transparency.
your heart can die
of uselessness or
overuse. pick one
and proceed.
ignore diets, stratagems,
theorems and philosophy.
forget dates.
annihilate names.
unattach your face muscles,
best to avoids frowns or smiles.
its alright to hear cars
out your window.
slow your movements.-
probably a permanent
pause is ideal.
limit your necessity
for air. achieve just
this and you win.
coax your heart
to slow by playing
melodies on the
piano.
slower and
slower
and
slow
er
er
r
.

Questions I'd Ask God If I Died: A LIST

1. how'd i do?, __what's the score?
   
   
2. can i have my ears back?, i didn't realize i'd be here today, i forgot to listen to Don't Smoke in Bed one last time (and Mona says to me: "dude, what's with you and that Nina Simone song?- it's like on every mix comp. you ever made")
   
   
3. what's the trick to cold fusion? __(also inspiration, how do you fit it into us? why couldn't i have had more?)
   
   
4. did she love me? did i mess it up, or did you want it to go down like that? (i can't imagine you did, i've never seen your work be more messy)
   
   
5. why couldn't i have been one of those children that grows up surrounded by nature, learns to love themself through snow and trees and pebbles by the beach, and lives happily as long as it's quiet?
   
   
6. is it ok that i was either unhappy, or gritting my teeth and managing at very best apathy?
   
   
7. med school? _w h a t _freaking happened?
   
   
8. all the times i made the wrong decision... can you tell me what the right one was? (i'm telling you Big Guy, i really did choose as best as i could)
   
   
9. on my new mac they shifted all the Function keys around and so whenever i want widgets i end up turning up my volume __do you know about this?, it's really annoying. (inspire them to put it back!)
   
   
10. can i meet Bach please?
    
    
11. i haven't been touched in soo long... will it never happen again? __(had i known i'd have made love more often. __don't give me that look, you made it not me!)
    
    
12. this place is timeless right?, i really need to sit down and catch my breath
    
    
13. did i disappoint you?
    
    
14. i know about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, Wittgentstein's younger brother who lost his right arm in the war and commissioned all sorts of solo left-hand piano works, and Lucien Freud. is that going to be of any use?
    
    
15. no one ever visited me in my dreams. may i please request involvement in the dreamtime-loved.ones-visiting program? __(here is a list of my fav. five to regularly check up on)
    
    
16. is there a pager or something that beeps whenever people pray for me? __(and when they eventually stop, will i become lonely like elderly people in nursing homes no one comes to visit?)
    
    
17. i'm not kidding, it really has been ages, i need a hug (no, a tulip will not do)
    
    
18. why was it all soo hard for me?
    
    
19. in terms of percentages (since we all are willing to take some responsibility) who is to blame? me, mom, dad, or You?
    
    
20. did i ever surprise you?
    
    
21. was this all you wanted of me? i swear i tried... i just feel like... i could have done alot more, __i mean, had circumstances been different.
    
    
22. can you show me what life would have been had i (a) not gone to Haifa __(b) extended another year in Haifa for her __(c) stayed in medical school __(d) if sahar could walk
    
    
23. i have a theory that my life was preconceived in its entirety when my parents decided it was a good idea to move to an unstable wester-African autocracy for You. __am i right? __do i suffer.enjoy the consequences of other people's faithfulness?
    
    
24. is she ok? i just don't get it... really, please be honest, what was the point of all that?
    
    
25. i'm the only artsy-fartsy person in my family (immediate and extended) (no one gets it and they all find it annoying). did something go wrong somewhere?
    
    
26. i've missed you. will you sit with me a bit so we can talk about: eyelashes, solitude, infinity, pomegranate and raspberry yogurt (my favorite), my various car accidents, the fate of the prophets, how Socrates worked it all out, was actually is the best opening in chess?, why when i turned 24 i suddenly started feeling so comfortable amongst trees oceans and skies, gravity, ways not to be crushed by mass socialization, sadness, and... how did you think up love?
    
    
27. the time i dreamt of my grandfather... why couldn't i understand him? what facility do i lack?
    
    
28. as a human... what have i failed to grasp? __will i pay dearly?
    
    
29. what are You thinking when i pray to You?
    
    
30. i didn't eat enough honeydews, can we do something about it posthumously?
    
    
31. i can't decide if it was or wasn't worth it... __i shouldn't even think about that right?, like it's probably just best to forget the whole thing ever happened... __right?
    
    
32. (i miss holding books) __why are they so special? what have you hidden in them?
    
    
33. some of my happiest moments include: sitting in the tiny church in Cortina and praying while it rained on bright-red geraniums outside, the day i spent on the Great Wall in China, the feeling of certainty that is the definition of love, when i was 14 and i wanted to go for a run and Sahar didn't want to be left home alone, so i pushed her wheelchair while i jogged along the pathway in Hallett Cove that led to the train station. __what are some of Yours?
    
    
34. why do i feel soo far away from everything?
    
    
35. have i been here before... it feels familiar?
    
    
36. who messed me up? __no, really, stop with that nonsense. we both know. what the fu&* was wrong?
    
    
37. if i close my eyes and jump from this cloud, will i be a raindrop? an angel? will i be a cloud or a satellite? will i land in a bed somewhere and kiss a dream into someone's forehead? can i please? will i land in my room on Clayton Ave. where i felt most at home?, or... the rock cliff at the end of First St. where i should have realized my life wasn't gonna go the way everyone else's does, and felt ready and excited about it... can i please land on the wing of the plane that flew me into Haifa the first time (it landed on August 31st 2004), looked at my face and how few lines my forehead had. __i miss some things. i miss Richard, what will happen to him? Look out for him, he's a good guy, he looked out for me.
    if i close my eyes and jump from this cloud, can i land as nothing? i can undid your existence? can i go against the conservation of matter/energy/soul?
    (the beach on the Olympic Peninsula, the sharp black rocks, the hills, the strange islands in the sea, the mist that made mermaids exist when nothing else could... can i land there? Laying in the sun silently with Martha taking pictures... __the walk back, what did i call it? __this graveyard of trees, massive white dried up trunks. chalk. all chalk.
    
    
38. why did i have to lose her postcard? the last nice thing she ever said to me? (before her faith in me was depleted) __(i really wanted to keep that)
    
    
39. how did You get babies feet and knees and petit hands and elbows so perfect? how'd You know we'd like them soo much?
    
    
40. did i ever have a chance?
    
    
41. do you mind if i skip the floating thing and just walk? it's not that i'm used to it, it's that i still would like to kick rocks (can it be moondust now?) as i move.
    
    
42. if pronounced properly, is please? the most potent prayer? (did you hear all of mine?)
    
    
43. please?
    please?
    please?
    
    
44. can i try again? __that time didn't count, i didn't know anything!, i had to learn everything along the way!
    
    
45. am i dead? (at last?) (finally?) (really?) (it can't be... i've never been so happy)
    
    (not now.__ let me sit here and work out what just happened... __i was never ready to be alive)